life has been pretty mixed up the last few days. options flying in and out of the window like moths and butterflies on rainy days. well, no matter how bleak it really looks, i guess some small minute teeny weeny bit of me still holds on to the possibility of getting some local letter. it doesnt matter where and what but just that chance at least. sure, it's almost very impossible but i'll try to keep that optimism i used to have up and going. miss positive needs to fill in that job again and she should be back to work long time ago. maybe it is a sortof self-delusion that i still hold on to and keep to, maybe to prevent the outburst of emotions ive had the last one and a half weeks.
pain. hurt. disappointment. anxiety. upset. worried. sadness. longing. failure. unsure. apprehension. there's so much reaction and experiment of sentiments up there in my brain that i can even hear them quarrel and sulk. others are louder than some. but i hate those that hide and bottle up without my knowledge and only exploding at the wrong times. i can't even control them then.
well in summary, or maybe just on the surface, life's very much the way it is, but im not working anymore at fmps. it was a nice place to gain experience, amidst the other non-teaching things i end up doing with the girls' help (thanks sy, dawn, mx and chuaml :] ) some of the kids are a pretty bunch. Sometimes :) goodbye to fiona xies, edible cheap primary school canteen food, coloured value bears, rolls and rolls and ROLLS of double-sided tape, thousands of laminating pouches, etc. well, teaching isnt something i'd fully go into it without thought. my only opinion is, it is a job that requires eternal passion and much much patience :) but dont get me wrong, you do get benefits and experiences out of it (which one's more, i just wont say la haha)
im currently attending ngee ann poly's mass communication while i decide what i really want to do in life. i really want to plan it in such a way that it can help me to be flexible and practical yet something that i enjoy doing. trudging yourself in something you just wont do isnt going to make life what it is suppose to be / what youre trying not for it to be. but i really really am kinda pressing for time. or rather time isnt very lenient with me this moment. it isnt sparing my family, particularly my parents out of this too.
other than that, below that facade and blah, reactions, explosions, volcanoes and such are pretty sudden but frequent these days on my side. so dont mind the grey dark clouds hanging above those pretty flowers the next few days/weeks ok. thanks.
and goodness can that bigthing fella of mine hurry back to the mainland already. theyve borrowed him for an extra week now, doing rain dances in muddy green things in prickly heat power and probably searching out flora & fauna out there while watching their toes and what they step on. -sigh ive had & will still have so many stories and things to let out but yet that thing isnt around to hear it. i'll probably forget them all when he's back, or maybe by that time, the stories arent really important anymore.
they should pay me for that extra renewal loan out *grr ;)
coatedwithcaramel; [15:36]