it was this period. this time. this season of the year. this section of a lifetime.

i remember the cream coloured canteen tables. the coloured chairs at the cafe.
i remember the same ones outside the staff room.
i remember 7.30am. everyday on mon-fri. maybe later on saturdays.
i remember reaching school by 8.30am to claim our land.
i remember leaving school around 7pm after the hope of drilling something in.
i remember staying until we could only see our reflections from the windows.
i remember the highlighters, coloured pens, pencils, folded pages in the tys books.
i remember how we'd be the ones to switch on the aircon and switch it off again for the rest.
i remember the numerous consultations we had back-to-back.
i remember how crowded outside the staff room would be, students, teachers, all flying with questions and answers.
i remember all the familiar faces we'd see.
i remember how we'd ask even random people, we dont usually talk to, for their help.
i remember the extra math lectures and practices, the bio answers i tried to understand, the chem questions i tried to decipher, the gp practises i kept trying to master consistency.
i remember the faces of the teachers - mr azmi, miss lee, miss chan, mr chu.
i remember how everyone seemed to know it was near.
i remember the periodic runs, the frequent BP stops, the fries - like pitstops during the race.

i remember the mechanism. how routine it became. how regimented.
from 2-3 months before the beginning till the very last day before the last bio paper.
i remembered trying to understand things i never knew. things i never grasped but i had to.
i remember how i'd already lost my interest long ago, but still having that robotic drive.

i remember i didnt even know how i looked like, by being the above.
i remember how i wasnt a person. i wasnt feeling, touching. i wasnt living as a person.
i remember having a drive, on a foundation of nothing, on some fuel that wasnt usually there.
i'm not even sure how i managed to survive.




im sorry it turned out like this. it might seem all the effort is wasted, it really does seem like it but i tried, i really did. im not even sure who im apologising to. but im sorry.


i know i'd wont want to go thru this again. this period would always haunt me, it will. always.


it still brings the tears. all the time.

Labels: nostalgia, school, wounded

coatedwithcaramel; [23:43]