the weather's been really cold and wet lately, so much so that i dont even switch on my fan when i sleep. and when the wind happens to blow when ure stuck in a situation without a thing to cover any excess skin left exposed, my goodness, it can almost freeze my underwear.
my semester is reeeeeally coming to a close soon that it's hard not to feel like it's the end of the year. and school term closing means that there is that paranoia and anxiety bomb that is already ticking on my semester results. it's super nerve-wrecking. i HATED marking days more than the results day. it is almost as bad as searing a blunt knife on your most vulnerable skin area stroke by stroke. and always, i get the bad grumpy ashen cloud that happens to hoover around my head, when it is most needed and appropriate. just great.
ever had the feeling when you really thought you had tried your bloody best, put in the most of your strength but only to be disappointed and crushed? even though there can be many other reasons for that failure, but yet it is hard to convince of yourself of them. you become so tainted with the dark window that it really doesnt make your day that it isnt a broken one. you feel useless, you feel degrated, you feel utterly worthless and stupid. your mind is filled with countless questions and queries for the anomaly. you mentally run thru what has happened and you keep asking yourself, what went wrong.
the feeling is intensified, the situation is more bleak, when you unconsciously survey around, wondering what your peers got, or the 'standard' that has been set. and on this kinda worse days, everyone else seemed to have done better than you. you comment that the day sucked. you suddenly are more aware or try to convince yourself that you have lost, you start to think that maybe it was complacency or laziness or incompetence, the list can go on.
and worst of all, this isnt the first time this is happening. this nightmare is seemlingly kept on repeat mode. playing on and on and on and on and on. and the more you try to take control of it, the more you seem to be screwing it up and failing. that feeling is probaby worse than jumping off a 50-storeys building.
you wake up feeling like a loser, like a worthless piece of furniture, feeling you have no right to breathe or live, for making such a situation occur. you almost feel so small next to an ant - which works so so so much harder than you do. even crying wont even help to ease the hurt, the soreness, the raw feeling that has resulted.
you just suddenly feel so alone.
im not sure why im suddenly pondering on this, maybe cos ive crossed this emotional bridge many many times. not that im really feeling it now. but countless times, i probably have, without even stopping once to think about it. the only difference that i see now, is that i probably am aiming for perfection more often than the usual surface surviving. that's good i presume.
anyhows, have a great week ahead then.
Labels: jittery, ponder, wounded
