have you ever had that haunting feeling of making a mistake twice?
then in a split second, you usually get flashes of that scene, day or situation that you can remember so clearly even if you didnt want to.
you remember the anxiety that might have built up when you realise what you did, said or thought, was wrong. or maybe it was more a resemblance to a heavy heart. or guilt. it can be one whole long list of emotions, but one thing for sure is that it is really isnt a good and comfortable feeling.
you wonder what could you have done to prevent that situation from occurring. is it something that you hadnt done? something that you said? something that you should have done or prepared? something that you knew was approaching but you decided to brush it off? something that you find responsible for?
or self-pity and -abiding, you slowly mentally point fingers at who or what was the 'other' reason for the mistake. you formulate logic that seemed to leave you not guilty or semi-guilty. it's to make yourself feel better, to lighten the guilt, to pull other factors, preferably unforeseen and uncontrollable, to join in the party.
even if it was a genuine mistake that you created and caused, something that happened without you even knowing. the effects are still the same. you cant really run from it. other than being delusional.
you get this phobia of doing anything, saying anything or relating anything to that issue or how it came about or along the course of what action. simply to avoid the same mistake saga from repeating. you try in means to find alternatives, safer options, looking out for red flags that you think you might need for mistake prevention. you just find your darnest to isolate that situation, stepping around and away from it.
but as
suay and unfortunate you can ever ever get, you are faced with the only choice: to walk thru it. you panic. the first few paragraphs of this entry is reenacted in super speed in your mind and the last scene is like facing the Devil, not knowing if you are suppose to say hi to him to get on with it.
even when you go thru the same thing, you mentally bring along with you the contingency plans, the fire extinguisher, etc. to brave any possible sudden mistakes or surprise attacks that might parallel history. you either keep telling yourself that the mistake is going to happen soon soon soon, or that you are ending this soon enough.
if you overcome it, you become really pleased with yourself. an achievement. a prize. like a prince, braving the fire-breathing dragon to save a princess he marries. you might become complacent, or you become more daring, but still cautious if the situation ever comes up again.
but if you lose, it is only logical you become depressed. time for which, is subjective. either you tell yourself that you are a jinx and you are going to use all your possible power to prevent yourself from ever encountering this. or you step away from the line of fire, sigh and tell yourself that you probably will try not to get into that again unless, like usual, you have no choice. you succumb to your terrible fate and wait for it to prank you into doing the mistake again.
i hate being in the latter.
i hate feeling what i feel when im just about to face a situation that has red flags stuck all over it like a birthday cake.
of cos we always tell ourselves, and to the people we know who are 'suffering', that mistakes are inevitable when we are young and still getting the hang of the world. and yes, it is thru mistakes and errors do you learn from and become a better person. prevent it from happening, making it better or perfect yahdah, yahdah. but you can know all that theory, and still feel the anxiety and see the flashes.
it's all about convincing yourself, that you are human, you are bound to make mistakes whether minor, huge, stupid or silly.
and instead of moping around, you tell yourself to find solutions.
as someone said, you have to forgive yourself first, before you can fully forgive others.
but that's one of the hardest part right?
Labels: jittery, nostalgia, ponder, wounded
